Light streaming through the window. The warm sun kissing my thighs. My mind spinning happily with unending visions for my life. Invoking the creator. Bowing at the feet of the divine. This is all temporary. I pray to open my eyes. Let not one moment slip by. I want to feel life penetrate me to the deepest core. I want to use my privilege and my unending blessings to bless this earth and her children. May all inhabitants breathe fresh air, drink clean water, awaken from suffering, and be reborn with the freedom to live their dreams. I hold no sorrow in my heart for those who don’t get that opportunity. I used to carry backpacks of pain for the world. For the trash swinging from tall trees. For the animals locked in cages… for the crying hearts of mothers who’ve lost their babies to war. I used to carry them all inside my chest. Until I became sick. You cannot help the world if you are sick. You cannot serve and lead a higher mission if you are not embodied in the true power that can only be sourced from incredible peace.
So I decided to lay down my own suffering. I decided to stop crying for the world and start birthing anew. I decided to pick apart my own brain… and question every thought that passed. I stopped listening to my own mind. And I started touching into the seat of my power. This is the sacred heart. The heart chakra in Sanskrit is called anahata. This ancient word translates to “Unbroken” and “Unbound”. The seat of your power does not lie in the amount of pain that you can hold for others. The true seat of your power is the incredible, undying, never-been-born essence that is the great mystery. This essence has never been bruised. This essence has never been tainted. It is untouched by human ill. This essence is you.
When we fall into suffering, we have simply forgotten our essence.
I have tried to save the world. I have tried to carry the burden. I have tried to cut my own soul open and draw out the poison. Years into my own addictions… I stopped trying. I stopped judging. I stopped fearing. I stopped trying to make it all go away. Because… trying wasn’t working. Holding myself above the wave was exhausting my whole being. I was tired. Tired of fighting myself.
When the fight got the strongest… when actual years had passed of me battling my own addictions, I got weary. I put my sword down. I surrendered.
And there I sank. My body descended into the deepest, darkest pool. I thought I was for sure dying. I was actually coming home.
My entire body went limp and I melted onto the floor. I took a deep breath. Where had I been all this time? I wasn’t in my body. I wasn’t even in my house. I was disconnected. A fragment of myself. Floating above my very existence. I was fighting.
I stopped. I sank. I descended into the mother’s womb. The dark sea. She held me underwater until I learned to breathe again. I wasn’t sure if I would ever return.
