I cried in your arms
Warm tears filled my face and landed onto yours
I never tried to hold them back; the waters were honest and strong
I knew I was stepping out
Soon, my feet would be on new land. And I would have a new experience of myself in the whole.
I don’t know where I belong. I look down at my feet, wherever they stand… and I remember that I belong here. Wherever I am.
I am.
I took those long flights. I watched the sun dance across the sky. I felt my heart transcend, break open, come alive. The tears ceased for now.
I wandered through the crowds. It was warm. Different. And there I was… existing. Present. Listening.
Looking for my driver with my name on a sign. Seeing new colors, new thoughts in my mind. Safety at the forefront. non-existent was time.
The cars were small and the streets were smaller. Scooters flying through the road. In and out. In and out. Weaving through the traffic. It was busy as fuck. Overstimulating after a while. I peed in a hole in the ground at a convenience store. My first bathroom experience was highly unsanitary and raw. I kind of liked it.
I like the taste of new.
The sun went down and I landed at the retreat. I was shown to my room and met with such love and kindness. Welcoming and warmth.
I settled in. I didn’t have my luggage… that was lost and would arrive days later. I didn’t mind… I wanted my vitamins and probiotics but it was also nice to travel with less stuff.
I realized how little I really need.
New faces. Yoga. beautiful food. Staying healthy was and is my priority. The view of the vast rice fields took my breath away. Dogs. Dogs everywhere! Wandering the streets. Happily “lost”. I could learn a thing or two from them.
The taste of balinese coffee. The sunrises. The glow of the moon. I was struck with this most profound and simple feeling. We live under the same sky. It was not an original feeling but one that has been felt since the beginning of time. A taste, a glimpse of Oneness. These people are different from me.. But they’re also family. I could feel that we are all the same.
And the ocean. The wild Indian ocean. I was left breathless once again. The black sand stained my feet. The inhales and exhales of traditional Balinese yoga. “I am in love with all of this”, I thought to myself again and again.
I am living in my dream. Awake to the miracle of Now. Fully arrived. I am.
Conversations late into the evening. New soul family. Awestruck by the magnificent Buddha statue. I had a conversation with Buddha by the Altar. I heard the voice of wisdom speak crystal clear into my soul. I heard it. I spoke back.
The voice of Spirit.. The sounds of God flowed into my mind and body with such ease. The messages were incredibly clear. Praise God.
It was pouring down rain at the Buddhist temple. I wandered around with my new friend. Snapping photos and feeling the wet, cold rain. We were the only ones there. No crowds of tourists. No lines. No laughing children. Just us and the rain. We went into the main Temple that you’re only allowed in if you plan to sit in prayer.
I laid a cushion close to the Altar. I sat down and energy began flowing through my body. I will never forget that moment. Sensations of rivers moving through me. Up and down my spine. All the way down and through my fingertips. Holy love is sensational. I knew I was in the presence of something powerful; something eternal. Something that would have an offering for me at this most pivotal point in my life.
I sat and prayed. And that’s when the voice of wisdom began to speak. The words went in with ease. I accepted them all. They all felt so true. I was reminded to just fucking do what I love… the Buddha didn’t cuss, though. The words were elegant and true. This life is about devoting oneself to what one loves. The simple is the profound. I am absolutely in love with Buddhism.
Hours later, we were back at the retreat. Days passed and my next accommodation was calling me. All of the sudden the support, the food, the housing, the community that was so divinely laid out for me at this retreat was fading. Change had found me once again.
I was driven kindly to my next location. An airbnb in Balian, a remote town on the west coast of Bali. We followed a gravel road to the ocean. And there was my palace. I had never seen such an incredible view in my entire life. The Indian ocean spilled into my vision. And there I was… standing at my next accommodation, surrounded by sea, pool, and Buddha statues. I was speechless.
The kitchen and bathroom were outside. When the dark sky consumed the sun, I felt nervous, even scared for a short time. I had to unlock the door to my bedroom and run outside to use the bathroom. I was no longer surrounded by the retreat security and community members. I was alone in the wild Bali. I felt free and also freaked out by it all.
I came to fall in love with the inside/outside living. I met my neighbors and they were kind… this helped me to feel safe. The Indian ocean spoke to me every morning. She was silent but consistent in her presence. I walked down to the beach often. Walking over stones and staring into the abyss. “How the fuck did I get here?” I thought often. But not too often.
I splashed in the pool. I saw a man with long hair walking his 6 cows to the Balian river. A Sacred river. Balian means healer or shaman. My villa was a 10 minute walk to where the Balian river met the Indian ocean. A site I will never forget. I’m sure it will never leave me. The sunsets purified my soul like a baptism. In order to get to dinner, one would need to walk across the river at low tide. I felt brave enough to walk across before the night came. Then I took a driver home.
I shared a meal with a man from Portugal. We laughed for hours and talked about the deep shit. He was a gentleman and I felt safer with him around me. He walked me across the river and bought our dinner. We talked about spirit, ayahuasca, life, change, and our different cultures. We were alike but also incredibly different. After that night together, we never saw each other again. I was at peace with it all.
It was hot as fuck. Sweat and me became real good friends. Every morning, the staff made me the sweetest breakfast. And I taught in my Mystery School in that most gorgeous villa. Staying anchored and rooted in my life’s calling to serve, lead, and walk side by side with my community inside the Temple of Winged Alchemy. What a gift.
My skin was darkening and my heart was expanding day by day. The sun penetrated me until I lowered myself into the massive pool right outside my villa. I was in a dream. A dream that had become manifest.
